I'm struggling to write this.
Let me give you some context as to why..
At school I was bullied,
(Apart from the time the biggest guy in school punched me in the middle of the back and the smallest guy in school threw a pencil at me, lol at that one now)
As a result of the regular verbal attacks,
I told myself stories that I'm not good enough,
And that I need to be good enough,
So that these people who don't accept me as I am can accept me which will mean I won't be attacked in the future.
So I looked for inspiration via the following questions:
Who IS accepted?
Who IS liked?
Who IS respected?
And my answers came in the form of people like:
And Arnold Schwartzeneggar.
They were loved,
They were respected,
And they never got attacked (we see what we wanna see right?)
In my mind I needed to be more like Clarke and Arnold,
Which lead to another question..
What did these guys have that I didn't?
I, when I was 15, had the body of a female jocky (no judgement, just trying to paint a picture
And they were big and strong.
So I immediately assumed that,
1. I'm not liked because I'm small and weak,
And 2. I will be liked if I become big and strong.
So that's what I did.
I joined a body building gym and went on mission.
A mission that's lasted about 17 years.
Over those years I became big and strong,
But even when I was my biggest and strongest,
I still had people who didn't accept me for who I was,
The ironic bit?
When I was 15 and searching for acceptance off quite literally 2 people (3 at the most),
I already had people (probably a good couple of hundred) in my life who accepted me for who I was.
But the truth is,
None of that external acceptence or non-acceptence was the source of my happiness or my pain,
Because there was still one person who I truly needed the acceptance from.
There was still one persons love I was pining for and never got,
So why is this post hard to write?
Because today I truly feel like I'm releasing the part of me that needs acceptance and love and approval off anyone that ISN'T the guy in my mirror.
And why the picture of me and my back and my progress over the last 8 weeks?
Because old Matt would have shared that picture in the hope that you'd like and accept me so that I could be happy,
But the new Matt that's evolving out of the cacoon I've been in for so long,
Is sharing this picture in the hope of inspiring you to do whatever you're doing or want to do,
And not for anyone else.
9 weeks ago I saw a picture of myself that stirred a lot of emotion in me,
The truth behind those emotions was that I was looking at a body that showed a lack of self-respect.
So I decided to make my biggest change ever,
And that was to COME FROM a place of self-respect instead of trying to GET respect from outside of me.
Yes I've lost close to a stone of fat,
But my mood has improved,
My energy levels are a LOT more consistant (and higher)
My health and fitness has improved,
My chance of dying early from illness and disease has reduced by around 80% (according to science)
My focus when working has gone through the roof,
And, I feel GREAT naked, which is a huge bonus if you're in a relationship by the way,
So from now on I will workout and eat well BECAUSE I like, love and respect myself and NOT because I want to be liked, loved and respected by you or anyone else,
And while I'm not here to tell anyone what to do (unless they pay me to of course),
I strongly suggest that you consider looking at WHY you're doing what you're doing,
Why are you so desperately trying to get that #instabody?
So you get likes and loves from others?
Or because you like and love yourself?
Just something to think about..
In your corner